Reunions: Being Facebook Found
Reunions is a series of real musings from birth mother and adoptee connections, reunions and rejections.
In the grand scheme of things, I’m sure birth parents “expect” to be located one day by their birth children gifted through adoption, but when the day is or how that outreach will come is always unique to the situation. When I’ve watched the reunion stories documented on TV and in movies, there’s a mediator or some kind of adoption search specialist delivering news of potential reunions and painful rejections.
There’s usually a letter from the searching child or parent explaining some of the circumstances around the search and why now. And because nobody wants to finance a sad ending, there’s usually a heartfelt reconnection complete with ugly tears and long hugs.
So, that was one version of a reunion event I had to work with. What I came to learn from being in a reunion space and telling this story is that birth parents and birth children are always in a process of reuniting. We are always in reunion because the original union and connection was interrupted. This walking away point has really helped shape the type of relationship I want to have with my son, as well as informed our path forward.
Here’s a small piece of that process, which includes street food, awkward encounters and of course, The Facebook.
Street food is one of my favorite ways to eat. It’s usually cheap, authentic, and I’m never sorry. Since my days living in Pittsburgh, getting cheap lunches outside the Cathedral of Learning from the various ethnic food trucks, it’s been my preferred way to enjoy great meals and meet people. It was sitting waiting for my order at Uncle Pete’s BBQ food stand, I got an interesting Facebook friend request.
I’m collecting myself. I’m waiting. I’m checking my socials to see what else is happening in the world outside of myself. Hmm, Facebook friend request. A typical investigation ensues.
- Any common connections? No.
- A geographic location I have known ties to? No.
- Appears to be in my demographic category? Yes — somewhat. Appears to be female and black or biracial, but also young.
I scroll through the timeline, photos and friends. Nothing looks familiar, suspicious or out of place. I’m officially distracted.
I click “accept.” In my line of work, I hear from people I do not know, have never met and may not have any obvious common connection to almost weekly. It’s usually a good thing to receive outreach from someone I don’t know, because that usually results in new business. So, accepting friend or connection requests, and receiving phone calls and emails from people I don’t yet know is pretty common for me.
Now that we’re “Friends,” more of her life as documented on Facebook is revealed. Before I can try to put together a possible story for why this person sent a friend request, “ding dong” on the notifications.
“She already sent a message, well that was quick,” I mumble to myself. The exchange goes something like this:
“Hey Erika! Sorry to intrude I just have a few quick questions. Get back to me when you can (smiley face emoji) Thanks!”
“Hey Jessica. Thanks for reaching out. What kinds of questions do you have?” WTF? I think. Are we doing any interview of some sort and I didn’t know about it. Stranger things have happened…
And then she starts putting her cards on the table:
“My name is Jessica. I have a brother named Nathan. I recently found my birth mom. And the resemblance is uncanny between y’all. I may sound crazy, he don’t know I’m doing this if I’m 100% off. But he’s now I believe 24.25 (smiley face crying emojis).
I’m wondering, who in the actual fu*k is this chick? Where did she come from really because I’m supposed to get a letter or email or some shit like that. You’re not supposed to “Find your birth mother” on Facebook. This is definitely some new age shit right here. But she’s not wrong.
I respond. Asking who are your parents and where everyone is originally from. I didn’t have a lot of details to go on. But I wrote, I sent pictures and correspondence, so they must have more info than I do.
It’s not event a full minute between her responses.
Damn, I think. Her responses are so quick, this may be a legit inquiry. I’ve never had a fake inquiry so I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t know how to tell the difference… Damn, my mind is running a million miles a minute. Stay focused.
Hmmm, now what? I felt like check and mate. Mic and drop. Domino muther**ker! What’s even the best thing to say. I mean what actually suffices in this moment of truth? I have no idea what I do know is.
What I do know is that although I may not be mentally prepared for whatever happens next, I’ve done a pretty good job healing myself in the past two years that I think I can handle it. I tell myself, these are good thoughts to have in this moment. But I still need to say something.
I scroll back through the documented conversation. She sends a pic. The best I can come up with is.
“You found me. But you should speak with him before you say anything further. I want to respect whatever position he chooses to take since I don’t know. But yes. It’s me. I’ve been waiting to be found for awhile. Followed up with rainbow, heart and bug eyes emoji to better emphasize the point.
The added emojis make me puke in my mouth a little bit. I hate sending emojis, but it’s messenger, they’re Millennials or Gen Z-zers, so if you don’t use them it’s like the text part of the message doesn’t count.
She responds. “We’ve searched long and far for you. I totally understand. I will talk to hm. He’s going to be so happy.”
Hmmm, searching long and far. What does that mean? Where and how? I have plenty more questions running through my mind. But he doesn’t know you’re reaching out to me, so how does all that work. I’m wondering more.
It would be another few months before these details are revealed to me. And another two months before Nathan and I actually communicate directly with one another and meet for the first time.
